I am not making these up.
I am a project manager at a large company, like most large companies it’s not always the most functional place to be.
There are real quotes collected by a couple of us during meetings in 2007, some came from vendors atepmpting to show a ray of sunshine, but a majority came from managers who know they are in deep shit, desperate to show some progress and on a good day deflect some blame onto others. This is a very screwed up project.
Yes the quotes are occasionally taken out of context, however they are real.
I wouldn’t exaggerate that in 100 million years.
How could such a bad plan go so horribly wrong?
When you use age as an excuse almost anything is impossible.
working in export control is like entering a career cul-de-sac
As soon as you have 2 people you have organization problem
Are we averaging the colors?
My ignorance on this subject is advanced
Your lips say “no” but your business card says “ BCA Sales”
State of the art Stupidity
Half the world is half a world away
Velocity is slowing us down.
Shooting ducks in a barrel.
All that means is you’ve done the appropriate violation of the ground rules
it’s like trying to goose a ghost
Can you go back to the next chart
We will put all the data in a suppository for you
We gotta fall behind early so we have more time to catch up
whenever the cowboy starts bucking before the horse, the outcome’s never good
I didn’t make a bad decision. I made a good decision but the outcome was bad.
We will not be surprised by anything we know today
We don’t need your help. We’re good enough to develop our own problems
I don’t even know how to spell incompetent let alone be one
Our business model has reached the end of its lifecycle
Nothing is worse than an orchestra full of first chairs
We need to re-grope
The risk is that it doesn’t happen
I am as mad as a stockholder
4-Star mad
The data looks good, too bad it’s wrong
Transferring work to someone else is not work
I’m only right because I’m ignorant
Heck with the agenda let’s just play rock n roll
Holy Smokey Wokey
Holy Smokey cows
Nobody can say what they want. So we will spend the next few weeks talking about what we don’t want.
If work were fun we’d still be plowing fields with sticks
If you try to pitch that chart your kids will be without a father
Your analysis says the addressable market is larger then the GDP of all but three counties of the world
I love stories because if they are good it doesn’t matter if they are true or not.
If we have to do any work we failed
I miss being a customer.
I.T. and drug traffickers are the only people that call their customers “Users”
I have not yet begun to ignore your request.
We’re just putting out fires with a flamethrower here.
We will set the precedence and let those that follow challenge it.
The actuals line is the forecasted actuals, not actual actuals so it is confusing.
To be successful, we need to put blinders on to what is happening.
If we consider one data point a trend, we’ve turned a corner to the road of health.
We’re not at any point at this point.
He is out there shaking babies and kissing hands.
I guess we could get down to brass tactics
This is a status meeting, not see how things are going, meeting
Unlikely events seem impossible when they lie in the future
All mental models are wrong, some are useful
Whoa – Somebody stepped on a stink bug
It’s the Halloween strategy – we pay attention to who is screaming the loudest
You’re doing a five axis wiggle on this issue
Aside from the goofiness the numbers look good
This will only drive customer loyalty if the customer knows about it
(cell phone vibrates under the table) Don’t look at me. I don’t have anything that sounds like that.
You are better than you look!
Not to kick a dead horse down the road…
He’s in his “Lou” bubble.
ISO9006? What if we work real hard and only get to ISO9004.
That truck was 4 tons of rust flying in close formation.
OK, well I’m off to where the carpets are thick and the minds are thin.
He’s like a dark hole of intellect!
The proof in the pudding is when the rubber meets the road.
We’re asymptotically approaching completion.
This chart is like blowing a dog whistle – Nobody can hear your message