Dave Kean

A very interesting hour with the surgeon to go along with more testing. We spoke last week, but that was business and I was not at my best, today he gave me an hour of his time to go over what happened last week and what happens next.

I’m starting to understand how difficult the surgery was, all the work was done looking through a microscope with tint drill bits (and I got the technical specs Min wanted) through a 2 inch inch by two inch incision.

He was talking about the method he used, why it was made more complex by the “high routing” of my Sigmoid Sinus and internal Jugular (“I was drilling and I saw a lot of blue through the hole It’s not often the nurses stop talking, but the theatre was very quiet just then…”).

He then pulled out a book to show what he was talking about. It was slightly disturbing, but it’s not often you get this sort of uninterrupted time with a great surgeon talking about something he is very passionate about. It was disturbing because he’s talking about me in such an off hand way.

“Now I’ve never actually blown out a jugular myself, but it’s very messy and was a real worry…”

He looked at me and I think and realized I’d like a little reassuring at this point.

“But we had patches ready…”

Pause…

“And you have two of them…“

Pause…

“And its draining blood from the brain, not sending it in so we would have had time…”

OK, starting to feel a little better…

Then we went to the white board and the play by play of what the issues were. Where my Sigmoid runs, where the cancer was, what they were able to remove, where they removed bone and what the Ti insert in my ear looks like.

He said this was the toughest one he’s had in a few years, but in the end it went as well as it could have gone. I feel happier and happier with the staff around me, they have taken great care of me every time I walk into the office. The down side is they never got all the tumour, in his opinion chemo is going to be required and that we will need to cut at least once more in a few months time.

I took a balance test and a couple of hearing tests. It seems the nerves in my right ear are in good condition despite only hearing in mono for now. There is some damage, but I could get some hearing back, but that may need some reconstructive surgery in the future.

The balance is a worry, he said it’s OK to drive on, but not too far and no going over the passes. My right ear can’t cope with the pressure change and being able to fly is a month or two away.

I’ve a long list of what I need to do over the next few weeks and months. I’ve a couple of doctors appointments next week, with both the surgeon and oncologist. It’s going to a long few weeks and I’ve still a lot of pain, but I feel more confident than ever in my choices.

Today was a day with a number of positives. First I managed a few hours of work and went into the office for almost three hours this morning. That’s the most I’ve done in a week, and in the big scheme of things it’s not much and I took a two hour nap this afternoon, but I’ll take it.

Vision is getting better, good enough to drive today with out worry and another move in the right direction. Still a lot of pain, a little blood and there is a strange grinding sensation in my neck when ever I move my head to the right. There are a couple of other things on my list

Big doctors visit tomorrow, but that’s a full night of sleep away. One of the huge things I’ve got from this is I’m feeling more rested than at any time since I was a student. Full nights sleep and doing a really good job listening to my body, I need to start translating that to more energy during the day, but it’s a great start.

I received a lot of mail and comments today, mostly about yesterdays post and I’ll get to that in a moment. But one about my ex that claims to be from a very disgruntled other-half of some guy she met online. There was a lot of detail that I really don’t care about, drama I’m not interested in and I’ve no idea what to do other than laugh.

While we are in the subject I asked her to sign a piece of paper removing her as my beneficiary, this was before surgery last week and it was important to me. I should have done this a year ago and despite the urging of her lawyer, she refused to sign. My will and instructions are very clear and it’s not like her not signing it made any difference to my beneficiaries, it was just easier for everyone and another example of how she is. In the big scheme of things the lawyer stuff is number 5 or 6 on my list of big stuff going on right now.

It’s nice to be surrounded by professionals who just take care of my stuff for me.

One thing I know is life does not go to plan and an email that arrived in my inbox this morning grabbed my attention. Actually more than that got me, but one in particular made a great point today. She said when things go bad we have two choices, “We can jump down the well with the doom and gloom, or we can greave for the moment and then stand up and face the future with open eyes.”

I know which choice I made, and how I want to live my life. Like is so short, we get such a short time to experience all these wonderful moments that make it so special. When I read the email, I thought of the emotions, the sharing, friendships and moments that make this so special. I do feel very emotional right now, more than I have in years and that’s a good thing.

A second email that really stopped me in my tracks was this: “It seems to me that there is nothing really “challenging” about a disease. You are just a victim, and more to the point a passive one.” I’m still not sure how to answer this comment and I am trying to understand where it’s are coming from. I agree that going through something like this does not one make a kinder or wiser person and I’m not saying that it does. I’m saying it can lead, if you want it to, to a life that appreciates what is important. This is not about the event, it’s about how I respond to it and I find some consolation in that. It’s tough and once again, as I do every day, I stand by everything I’ve written.

Before I finish today I want to say a very big thank you. First to all those who found a moment to write or leave a comment. And Ben for yesterday, taking care of me and making sure I made it back home. I still don’t like the feeling of being unable to drive myself and reliant upon friends, but am very lucky that I can be.

I have been given an opportunity to take part in an incredible adventure. My life is full of meaning, I have reconnected with friends and family in ways I’ve never known. I am loved, appreciated and feel overwhelmed by what people have done for me over the last couple of weeks.

What is important has been completely re-written for me. I have a new understanding that changed so much of what I believe in. I have been challenged, my friends and family have been challenged by this, and together we will not be found wanting.

I have been humbled, tested and inspired by the people I choose to share my life with. It is my privilege to have these people in my life, and every day these unassuming, modest people do something incredible and pass it off as nothing.

This has changed my life. And I have no doubt will continue to do so in ways I can’t imagine today. And I get six weeks of not working if I want it, I will catch up on my sleep, my reading, meet new people, and at the end of it have a  new appreciation for all the energy I have.

My name is David, and I have cancer.

Does not matter how bad I feel, and today is not great again, there is something about a cat climbing on you and settling down that makes it all a little better.

Physically the toughest day so far, I’d never have thought that spending a couple of hours on the sofa watching the Sounders give Red Bull a good thrashing would take it out of me like this, but it did.

I awoke with a murderous headache, two vicodin and a couple of glasses of water took the edge off and I went back to sleep this morning. Couple of hours later I awoke again, felt marginally better, the worst of the headache was gone, but I could not see straight. The world was very blurred, this was on the “if this happens call me now” list of bad stuff.

So, no panic but straight off to the doctors office. Turns out some of the post operative swelling is putting pressure on my right eye, distorting the eyeball and making life interesting. So some really nice prescription antihistamines that knocked me out for a few hours tonight.

Got up, returned a couple of calls and while the pain is still there, it’s dulled somewhat and I feel much better. Still not able to focus well enough to drive, but could blow the text size up on my computer and make out the caller ID on my phone, and that’s way better than this morning.

This has been a rough day, unquestionably the roughest day post-op.

When I went through this last time I’d take time to wander around the UW, it’s next to the doctors and today I was determined to do so again, as bad as I felt there was something therapeutic about getting out into the sun for 10 minutes. I was a little unsteady, but wandering around the quiet campus was important today. I needed to show myself (and to some extent those around me) some progress today, it’s been a tough one.

And then on top of that, on the way home I got phone call from the State Patrol who asked a couple of general and then rather pointed questions, I think you can guess who that involves. I’ll deal with it next week. It’s been a day and once again I have the best support group ever.

After five days the swelling and bruising is much better, the pain and discharge are still there, but it’s progress.

I never had enough energy to head into Seattle for one of the Sounders games I had circled when the schedule came out.

New York (even with out Henry) was one of the big ones and ESPN2 missed the first 10 minutes when the Cal-Virginia baseball game went over. The apology tweet from Alexi Lalas was nice, but come one, Cal were 8-1 down with two out in the 9^th it really was long over.

“On paper” this looked like a solid chance for the Sounders to get three points. Through a combination of injury, suspension and international call ups NYRB were missing Marquez, Ream, Juan Agudelo (maybe the best player to come out of the US youth system yet), Henry and Rodgers were all starters that were missing.

Despite being shorthanded NYRB is a side that’s not had issues scoring, putting three past Portland on Sunday (and conceding three to be fair) and winning 2-1 against New England before that.

When ESPN2 finally cut to the game the first thing we saw was Freiberg control the ball with a beautiful first touch to control the ball and a then put it away with a curling ball into the far corner. A really well taken goal to put Seattle up 1-0.

No idea what happened in the previous 10 minutes, but this was a good start. Then it got even better when a minute or so later it was Alonso’s turn. A defensive header fell just right for Alonso to put away on with a great volley that took a deflection to give the keeper no chance.

Over the next few minutes it turned into a very open, entertaining game.

Dane Richards scored for New York about half an hour in. he used his pace to creat a little space and put the ball over Keller. Keller may have been unsighted by Zack Scott (replacing the suspended Hurtado), but it was a good finish to a well put together chance.

The second half started the way the first ended, with chances at both ends. This was turning into a very entertaining game for football. Both sides had some great chances and goals were going to come.

Unfortunately it was Zack Scott that scored with a toe poke past Keller for an own goal. Nothing the keeper or the defender could do, but it came during a period of consistent New York pressure where Seattle really had their backs to the wall for a period.

It really was anyone’s game at his point and it took a third goal from a corner to put Seattle ahead. Rosales one again the provider, this time it was Levesque with a flick on header inside the near post. Roger does not score often, but he soon followed it us with his second of the night when he took the ball off the NY keeper and slotted it home in the empty net to make it 4-2 with 15 minutes left to play.

There were a couple of positives for Seattle. Three goals came from corners (set pieces have been an issue). Three of the four goals were scored by attacking players and the own goal Zack Scott gave away was plain unlucky.

On the other side of the equation Alonso picked up his fifth yellow and will miss the New England game (his first game off this season). Montero did not look 100% and never had any really clear chances. The biggest issue may have been the defense. I’m not sure why Scott was preferred over Pat Ianni with Hurtardo suspended. Scott did look a little out of his depth, it seemed like nearly everything dangerous was coming past Scott in the middle of defense.

The whole of Royal Brougham Park (or Century Link if you prefer) was opened up tonight. This game was part of a package that included the Manchester United game and the 46,000 there saw a very entertaining game of football this evening with three points collected. As nice as it was sitting there with the cat, it would have been better to be at RBP.

In the last 12 months…

• 9 countries
• 28 cities I’ve overnighted in
• 3 people I played tennis with
• 0 people I’ve beaten playing tennis
• 43 flights
• 9 different airlines
• 12 upgrades on Delta
• 2 Upgrades on BA
• 17 nights in Guildford
• 2 Grand Prix
• 23 different airports
• 1 RCMP that I had dinner with
• 21 Sounders games
• 26 professional football games
• 2 wonderful Sunday afternoons eating BBQ on the deck I built
• 4932 photographs taken with my now beat up, but rugged and reliable Canon S90.
• 350 of those photos made it onto the blog
• 7 photos used on someone elses blog with permission
• 10 photos that were on someone elses blog without permission
• 2 days of rallying
• 3 Mariners games
• 1 wedding
• 1 funeral
• 7 really, really good, memorable restaurants I ate in
• 2 of those really, really good, memorable restaurants that were in London
• 1 new laptop
• 2 karaoke songs
• 9 Grand Prix won by Sebastian Vettel
• 0 times I saw Sebastian Vettel win a Grand Prix
• 3 Emergency Room visits
• 5 times someone tried to get me to go to yoga (really… Do I look like a yoga person?)
• 2 Conferences
• 4 visits to the Tate Modern
• 8,348,832 moments where I count my blessings for my wonderful family, incredible friends and the amazing things I have done in the last year.

Its done, surgery went on for just about four and a half hours and thankfully the last thing I remember before the recovery room is being told to take a couple of deep breaths and count backwards from 10, last number I recall getting out was 8.

I was told in recovery (and some of this comes from Min, who had her shit together better than I did at that moment) that everything went very well. The important part is that the tumour was removed and the surgery went about as well as it is possibly could have.

Today I had a call from the surgeon where we went through what happened, that more of the base of my skull had to be removed than he hoped, and that took the time as it was very delicate and required using a smaller, more precise auger than he’d usually use. If all the tumour was not removed it has plenty of space to grow into over the next month or two without getting into anything vital. I prefer to see it as glass half–full.

My balance is OK, I’m struggling to get through doorways with out hitting them. That’s is hopefully down to only having one good ear and it will get better. During surgery they had to remove the bones in my eardrum and did a partial rebuild with some very sexy looking titanium pieces that should restore some hearing to my right ear, but we won’t know for sure until the swelling goes down.

There has been a lot of pain (and great pain drugs) and when I took the dressing off there was more blood than I was told to expect. The eardrum is still bleeding, but the incision around the back of the ear cleaned up OK at the clinic. I really don’t look good with a shaved head.

Thanks to Min for the ride, thanks my dear your presence when I came around meant so much. To Rob and J for hanging out with me last night and today. And to everyone else for the e-mails, calls and texts. I have the best support group, even the nurse yesterday said that.

I went to Safeway to get some cat litter today, upon reflection that was a mistake and I felt far more out of it than I expected. It’s a drive I’ve done 100’s of times and it took so much concentration to remember where I was going. I’ve learned from that error.

Time for more nasty drugs and a nap. Next doctors appointment is Thursday and then more recovery.

I could not sleep last night, not really surprising considering, so if this does not make much sense then that’s what I’ll blame it on rather than the usual narcissism and lack of talent. I was sitting in my office at home and pulled out some slides (as in photo slides) of a trip I took in ’92 to South East Asia. I’ve talked about this briefly before; the short version is I was traveling through South East Asia for a few months accompanied by a Swiss girl, Lili. It was a wonderful time, having the chance to fully indulge a passion and just what people in their 20’s should take the opportunity to do.

This all happened in late March, about 10 days after we watched sunrise sitting on top of an active volcano. We traveled across the Bali Straight from Java to Bali and down to the tourist resort of Kuta. We spent a few days there before heading up into the mountains of Bali and Ubud. The mountains of Bali are just beautiful and I really need to find a way to get some of my slides scanned. After Ubud and the Elephant temple, Monkey forest and just wonderful scenery we ended up in Lovina. It is a stunning place, 5 miles of unspoilt black sand beach looking over a beautiful, beautiful bay. Bali is a beautiful place and this was a lifetime away from the crowded beached of Kuta and Nusa Dua.

Lovina is known for two things, the fantastic beach and dolphins. And like most tourists that ended up there, we were there for the latter, but the beach was wonderful.

Throughout Indonesia there is someone selling something, at Lovina it was Sarongs and boat rides to see the dolphins. As we stepped onto the beach we were greeted with “Sarong… You buy sarong…” repeated over and over by a couple of persistent sales women. According to my diary we brought four sarongs between us as presents for 20,000 rupiah, which was about $7 at the time.

We weren’t there to shop; we were there for the dolphins. That meant we had to get up at 6am, walk down to the beach and get on a boat that motored out into the bay.

At the time I wrote, “There were 4 of us on the narrow boat and we were joined by other boats, I counted 17 in total. All jockeying for position in the bay. One of the boats spotted the school of dolphins, the call went out and off they went.”

“The dolphins were coming right up to the sides of the boats and after a couple of minutes the dolphins disappeared under the water.  The boats slow until someone spots them and the chase is on again. The dolphins come right up to the boats and the whole thing was well worth the early start.”

Indonesia really was one of my top traveling experiences. Yeah, you can enjoy great beaches and nightlife at places like Kuta, but there is so much more to see like the history of Borobudur and the beauty of Ubud. It’s a vast country, and I saw very little of it, but what I did was wonderful. It was traveling at its finest, adventurous, off the beaten track with welcoming hosts and so much to experience.

It has been a weekend with a lot to get done, a lot to prepare for, drugs to be taken, house to be cleaned and thoughts to be distracted. As part of that I took a trip Safeco to watch a rather resurgent Mariners team taking on the leagues best in Philadelphia. A good Mariners win, he first I’ve seen since last May I think. A beautiful night for baseball.

Today is surgery, I’m getting picked up at 6 to head to the hospital, and I’m scared. I’ve had friends phoning and just seeing how I am, friends are planning on staying over once I’m home and I’m so grateful for all the offers of help and messages of support.

Today as part of the preparation I got my head buzzed, #0 blade all over, and it’s not a good look for me.

The distractions have been good, thanks guys.